Diary - July 27th

I've been trying to still and calm my mind. These past 2 days I've been listening a lot to a spiritual teacher I am enjoying loads called Adyashanti. Listening to him is both helping me in some ways see through illusion and also see how I am trying to avoid the present moment at the same time missing the greater awareness and perfection that is at work in every single moment and situation. I would like to connect more with that. The absolute, and still be taking part in the relative. Because some of it is putting me off, thinking that, "well if everything is perfect already, i having nothing to do here."

So in a sence I am exploring myself as part of the absolute and the absolute as part of me, and at the same time asking myself who I am, and also trying to see what I want to be doing which will come out of that answer.

I like to express myself. I see the cartoons I've drawn and a part of me really enjoys them. Though I wonder, why am I doing this? Is it an expression of God through me? Yeah i believe so. And do I believe that I need to be on my way somewhere? Away from where I am? That I need to be part of the future, making the future, in order to secure myself in the present? You know, it's like I'm not really able to enjoy the present moment as it is, or as it is revelaed to me, not saying that this present moment is all there is, but this aspect which feels complete, even though it's not, as long as my mind is not sure on knowing that what I do now will somehow be part of a better future. A better future. Just having that as a will to do things is somewhat of a trap for me. Because how do I know my efforts will really create a better future? Knowing, or not knowing, but presuming I don't have any control over the results of my efforts, having such a great focus on the end result is actually something that holds me back. And I don't think art is really about caring about the end result.

To me art is a celebration of life in the moment it is created and also perceived. Same goes with comics. What I want is to see God and talk about God through these black and white lines that are drawn on a piece of paper. What could be more enjoyable to us than asking the deeper questions and talking about the One who loves us all, regardless.

And I guess what stops me is that I want to talk about God, but I'm so busy thinking of HOW i should do it, what would be the best way of doing it, who will care about me doing it, who will read it at the end, will it have any impact on the world at all, that I loose sight of what really Matters to me.

And the magic is, that I don't need to do anything to get back to what matters. Just rest.

OLDER DIARY ENTRIES:

22 JULY

Today it rained for the first time in almost 3 weeks. I sat silently listening and drinking tea while the fields outside my window rejoiced in the life giving water falling on them. I've had a rough day, not managed to draw much. Done 3 panels in 2 days, and that's only the sketching part. Not satisfied at all. My mind is telling me to get my act together and keeps telling me that the masters I look up too, like Enki Bilal or Will Eisner probably spend hours and hours each day drawing. I should be more productive. But why, I ask myself?

It's ever so important for me to have a deeper reason for doing what I do. If a drawing doesn't serve a purpose for me, I am not inspired to draw it. If the drawing doesn't speak of the beauty of the world and the miracle of God's presence in me, through me and around me, there's like no idea in pursuing it. I guess I am looking for truth and to dwell in that which is not superficial, but profound and authentic.

I've had a challenging time piecing together the rest of the story. i'm stuck on a panel. My mind racing away telling me I'm not good enough and that this is a waste of time and I should just go to bed because there's nothing purposeful about any of this. I know it's not true what the mind is telling me, but what is it truly trying to tell me? That I'm tired and don't want any more pressure on myself? That rest is something I would like much more of, and also inspiration maybe to continue the work on the book.

I close my eyes and picture myself in the midst of the Universe, and the Universe being in me. Echoing in every cell of my body. I picture this greater force flowing through me and expressing itself into the world. I see the pictures in front of me. I feel the stories and the moods they bring. I see myself asking the whole of creation for help in helping me open up to this force and let it fill my whole being. I ask for peace in myself. Care for myself and my body. Love for myself. Clarity and authenticity. Empathy and support. Being held and hugged by something greater than myself. Trying to relax. No pressure.

Just me, trying to be connected to the divine, while expressing a part of it, on a piece of white paper

JULY 20

Sitting for 30 minutes, looking in books by Will Eisner, George Bridgman and Scott McCloud thinking to myself "I'll never be able to do this! This is too hard, I can't draw and won't be able to do this!" Not making a damn drawing.

Feeling sad and frustrated. Would love to just be able to get the forms right and create the feel, the life, the flow that I am seeing in my head. Feeling a bit heavy when I think that "There's no point!". Giving up somehow. Frustrated. Draining energy. Trying to breath through it, breath with it.

It's like I have a huge need for self-expression through drawing, and looking at the masters and seeing how far it is between where I am and where they are is somewhat over-whelming. Looking for another way to use their knowledge as inspiration and a help, rather than something that adds to my own self-doubt and frustration.

What's this voice "It's not worth trying, you won't be able to do it" trying to say?

Maybe that it's afraid of me being disappointed and heartbroken when I won't succeed with getting the results I want. So that voice I guess wants to protect me somehow from pain. Afraid to really live a dream and go for something. Afraid to practice, practice practice because what if...this and this and this..doesn't happend?

It's like seeing how far I have to go, instead of how far I have come already. Somehow I think I need to be somewhere other than where I am right now, and I'm guessing that the deeper need is to really have faith in the process, where I am now, in my level of skill and knowledge is just right for what I am doing. And also have acceptance that I have much more I want to learn, like how to draw hands and legs and feet and faces and the human body moving with more precision and life.

"I should be able to know how to do this" is a voice going on in my head. I guess it's remembering all the times when in drawing class I struggled with the figures and somehow gave up on things that were hard for me. Kept to what I knew and that which was easy. And how I keep wishing and wondering what I would be capable of achieving through drawing right now, if I had taken on the challenge a lot more of getting through the struggle. There was a lot of fear back then as well. Fear of "failing" or not getting "it right". Missing the proportions and the balance of the body and fearing that with each "misstake" I would learn to hate drawing a little more each time.

Maybe that's what I'm trying to protect myself from this time as well. I don't want to learn how to hate something that I really love and look up to. So that's why I'm so occupied with REALLY TRYING to get it "right" and being so self-aware as to all the mistakes I make along the way.

So, making a reality check, do I really think I'll quit doing this because of a few lines on a peice of paper that don't end up being in a place where I would prefer them to be? Hell no I know my wish is stronger than that. My wish to create comics and drawings that come to life is deeper.

So what I'm really afraid of is not really quitting, but not being able to enjoy the learning experience as much as I could if I weren't doubting the faith I have in myself and my skills?

Yeah it is real vulnerable to really want to be able to do something and make something, and then see there are limits right now as to what I can and can't do. I would like to have faith, persistence and also enjoy the learning experience a lot more, see that it's wonderful that I have so much I want to learn. Maybe also realize that in order for me to be happy, I don't need to be able to really draw all that well. And in order for me to be worthy of calling myself an artist, or worthy as a human being, I don't need to be able to draw all that well either.

So maybe what all this comes down too for me is a deep deep longing for more self-acceptance and exploration. That "mistakes" are not things that kill my motivation and joy, but can come, and I can see them, smile to them and move on in what I want to be doing. I guess like life in general. Perhaps that's why there's such a resistance to drawing for me, because it makes me stand face to face with the possibility of making mistakes and having to deal with that sense of loss, frustration, anger and sadness that might come from that. At the same time as I would like to remain focused on the larger picture.

I guess one is only truly free when one can make mistakes, see them, smile at them, and keep moving on without any resentment, but acceptance and understanding what needs to get done.

That is true freedom.

So, for me, it's also a great question, about learning to become more free. Open minded. And courageous. Seeing mistakes, acknowledging them, and practicing mindfulness, acceptance, understanding, in order to move along to the next line, without any resentment in my heart of my hand.

Maybe, it is then, when a comic really comes to life. When the artist who drew it, made it from the energy of joy, curiosity, understanding, acceptance and courage.

Because choosing to be creative and making somehthing like this, takes a lot of courage. Because a lot of pain may come from old memories needing to be healed. A lot of sorrow around old dreams that have been abandoned due to lack of faith in myself and my abilities. Lot's of frustration and maybe even anger at myself for not being more committed to something I'm realizing I love to do. And that means a lot to me. Making a comic is a healing process. And into this realm, I invite all the support and faith that life can help me with, so as to carrying this project with beauty and grace through troubles, struggles, suffering and challenge.

A line needs confidence in order to support the world that wants to be expressed.

A longing for the confidence in myself and my line, that I have struggled with all my life.

A struggle which made me give up for a while.

But now when I'm back, and hurting, and trying to work through all the old and present challenges.

It's almost like maybe being born again.

It's scary.

Damn scary.