A wave trying to become water

And suddenly there's a gap in between the thoughts, and something beautiful starts to simmer in. Just before the next dream takes little me over and I wake up after that trance with the same kind of gap helping me wake up.

It's somewhat not even sad anymore to realize that I've been conditioned to see myself as someone who HAS TO DO something in order to BECOME creative. Like a wave trying to become water, it's just as crazy a thought. And the sad thing is I've believed it for so long, and still, it grips me, takes hold and then I suddenly find myself sitting around trying to copy someone elses drawing, with the mind saying "If only I learn to draw more like this, then I'll be able to fully express myself."

So I ask myself, how can I be so sure that I don't already have everything it takes for me to fully express myself? Right here, right now? Am I willing to put my life on that card that says I don't?

Hell no!
So is the truth more saying that we always have exactly that which we need in every moment in order to do what it is we want to do? And that there can be nothing missing from something that is already totally complete?

It's sad to remember how many people are conditioned to, just like me, forget to sing and laugh when they paint and draw. Because for our minds, as artists, we think we are special people, with special talents and need others to see that for us to feel fully ok with ourselves. Instead, how do I know, that the real me, is not the artist spelled with a small a. But in reality the real Artist of Artists. The Great Creator. C'est moi!

But I'm still in a body and have a mind that I would like to train to be able to draw in particular ways. In ways that respect the rules of proportion, perspective, relative sizes and forms and how they manifest differently in different lightness and shade. I'm not sure why though? Is it because that reality is easily recognisable, and needs to be recognised for what it is before we can just relax into the gaps that open up to the ultimate conciousness that washes over everything?

Enough mind talk for now. The mind trying to understand the mind is still a waste of time, when in reality, it seems we always have a constant date with God.

So if I consider my body to be a rental, and Spirit sort of renting my body for the time being. The question is...how do I want to spend my vacation on this beautiful planet?